In Which I Am Angry At Myself At 2am

In Which I Am Angry At Myself At 2am

for promising myself
I wouldn’t let anyone in
convincing myself I was strong
enough to break hearts
to build walls around parts
of my own bare faced lies in a mirror
same old childish sighs
believing that I was not soft
nor gentle and placid
not malleable,
convertible,
walkonable,
pushdownable,
hughgrantable
hoping I was rock hard and granite
filling casual vacancies

leaving while the going is good
getting while the going is got

for swearing in blankets
thinking with heart
wanting unprovable proof
turning away that which I know to be pure and math
for liquid smiles, iced laughter,
stomach churning etceteras
killing minutes waiting minutes for minute signs of life
hours wasted awake
for getting slopping,
trailing off
forgetti

forgetting in tangles with beautiful tangles
forgetting in bed
forher